


I Can't Speak Without Messing Up

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Series: Tumblr Prompts [65]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 10:24:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20256583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: Magnus is hurting, but the idea of breaking down in front of Alec again stops him short of talking with him about it every single time. When he finally does, it brings about a conversation that's long overdue.





	I Can't Speak Without Messing Up

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Could you write a story in which Magnus has ( maybe unconsciously) some troubles to open up with Alec again? (maybe he's hurt and hides it?) It's not that he doesn't trust Alec, he does, but maybe he blames himself and his weakness/vulnerability because if he hadn't had a breakdown during the dinner, Alec wouldn't have gone to Asmodeus for him. I think I'd just wish for the two of them to have the chance to talk, some Alec comforting Magnus (and vice versa).
> 
> (title taken from Speak by Nickel Creek)

“Sorry Alexander, this is taking longer than I anticipated. I’ll be home late, don’t wait up,” Magnus says, his voice quiet over the phone. “I love you too, goodnight.” 

He hangs up and slides the phone into his pocket, trying to ignore the knowing look on Lorenzo’s face. Lorenzo doesn’t let up, however, staring at Magnus until he finally looks back up at him from the book on the table. 

“What?” Magnus snaps. 

“You’re avoiding him,” Lorenzo states simply. 

“I am not,” Magnus counters. 

“You could’ve left hours ago, and don’t think I didn’t smell the bourbon on you before you showed up practically begging me to let you assist with the new warding research.” There’s no judgment in his tone, surprisingly, simply observations which, as much as Magnus wants to deny them, are entirely true. 

“Last time I checked it wasn’t against the law to have a drink or two.” This isn’t a conversation Magnus wants to have with Lorenzo. In fact, it isn’t a conversation he wants to have with anyone, hence the reason he’s stalling here rather than turning in for the night. Alec will be able to read him like an open book. 

Raphael got sick. This is a very normal thing for people, especially in the winter time. But when he got the call two days ago that Raphael was in the hospital with a particularly vicious strain of pneumonia the reality of the situation hit Magnus much harder than he realized it would. Raphael is mortal now, after all. A simple human, susceptible to simple human illnesses and injuries… when they first met Magnus never imagined how close Raphael would become to him. They were supposed to have forever… but the world had a cruel way of taking away the constants in Magnus’ life lately. 

And on top of his worry for Raphael, he’s faced once more with a reminder of the reality of his future with Alexander: that one day the call he gets will be about his husband. Hopefully one day in the far, far future, but still… one day. Magnus wants to tell Alec about it, about  _ all _ of it, but he thinks back to the night of Alec’s almost-proposal and stops himself every time. He doesn’t want to be too much. He doesn’t want to be overwhelming and drive Alec away again. 

He doesn't think he can handle watching Alec turn away from him ever again. 

“Do you want to talk about it? I've gotten much better at being  _ sympathetic  _ lately.” Lorenzo states as a point of pride. Magnus knows it's true - he's had fewer complaints about his absence lately as the warlocks grow familiar with dealing with Lorenzo instead of him. And Alec's admitted to the nearly sappy recollections Underhill coveys on Rey’s behalf these days. 

“No,” Magnus replies instinctively. Lorenzo says nothing and simply quirks an eyebrow. “...Raphael got sick. He'll be released from the hospital in a day or two… He'll be fine. I don't know why I'm so hung up on this, like I haven't dealt with sick friends before…” Magnus admits,already making excuses. 

“Because this isn't an ordinary friend with an ordinary sickness.” Lorenzo points out unnecessarily.  “Does Alec know?” 

Magnus shakes his head. “No. Obviously not or else I wouldn't be here. No offense.” 

“None taken. I do, however, believe you should tell him.” The suggestion comes from Lorenzo without a single hint of ridicule, just a simple observation between friends. Is that what they are now? They’re close enough after recent months compared to where their relationship started - certainly close enough for Magnus to not immediately brush off the idea. 

“How can I? How can I bring up fearing for the mortal life of one of my best friends without reminding him that I live in constant fear for the day it’s Alec in that hospital bed… or worse?” Magnus points out. 

To his surprise, Lorenzo laughs. “Do you honestly think he isn’t aware? He knows, Magnus. He’s your  _ husband _ for Lilith’s sake. And if you think he wouldn’t want to talk with you while you’re upset to spare his own feelings, you’re a bigger fool than I took you for, which is certainly saying something.” 

Magnus can only shake his head. “You weren’t there that night, you didn’t see his face when I-- no. I’m not doing this with you. I’ll talk to Alexander when I’m ready, which isn’t going to be until after we’ve finished this bit of tweaking the sigils for the new warding, so if you’d kindly refocus on the work at hand…” 

Much to Magnus’ relief Lorenzo doesn’t bring it back up again. Despite that fact his words never fully leave Magnus’ mind, not the rest of the time they work or after Magnus portals himself home a little after midnight, fully expecting Alec to be sleeping when he arrives. 

Instead he walks out into the living room to see Alec with a book in hand, eyes heavy but not closed. They snap open at the sight of him and Magnus watches by the lamplight as Alec’s features sharpen from their initially sleepy haze. 

“You didn’t have to wait up,” Magnus says, frowning. It’s a selfish wish that Alec isn’t there to greet him, not because he wants Alec to get more rest but because he’s afraid of the questioning, afraid that Alec will be able to read the distress on his features no matter how hard he tries to hide it. 

“I was just reading. How was your night?” Alec’s question is innocent enough but Lorenzo’s words leave him feeling more guilt than before over his inclination to lie. 

“Fine,” he starts. “Just some troubles with the sigils for the new wards, I thought I’d lend Lorenzo a hand.” 

Alec nods. “That’s kind of you, especially considering you haven’t been sleeping.” It’s an observation, not an accusation - not yet. Alec’s giving him a chance to say what’s been bothering him before he has to ask… before he has to  _ pry _ , which Magnus knows Alec hates doing. In fact, if he doesn’t offer an explanation they might both go back to ignoring it for a few more days, maybe even weeks. 

But is that really what he wants? 

“You noticed,” Magnus says, buying himself some time. He didn’t think he woke Alec up at all, trying to come and go from their bed as silently as possible. “Sorry if I woke you.” He knows that isn’t why Alec is bringing it up but he can’t help the immediate impulse to deflect. 

“What’s on your mind?” Alec asks finally, closing the book in his hands and placing it down on the seat he stands from before crossing over to Magnus, sidling up behind him and wrapping his arms around Magnus’ waist, chin resting on Magnus’ left shoulder. “Talk to me.” It’s more a plea than a request, and hardly a demand. 

Magnus sighs. “It’s Raphael. He’s… taken ill.” Alec’s arms hold on to him a little tighter at the way his voice trembles slightly. “He’ll be alright, I’ve been to visit him, but… this was never supposed to happen. Not to him.” 

Alec makes a small humming noise by his ear in acknowledgement, Alec’s hand moving to trail slow, comforting up-and-down motions along the length of Magnus’ arm. At first it strikes Magnus as strange that Alec isn’t more shocked by this news - until he realizes. 

“You knew.” Magnus spins himself around to face Alec then, no longer bothering to hide the distraught look plastered across his features or the sting of tears threatening to spill over in his eyes at the mental image of Raphael hooked up to an IV drip of fluids and the incessant beeping of a hospital room. 

Alec nods. “You’re his primary contact, but Isabelle and Simon are secondaries to be notified should… anything happen.” Alec says, choosing his words carefully, but Magnus’ mind fills in the blanks of the words he didn’t choose: ‘ _ should there be an accident’ ‘should he get hurt’ ‘should he die’.  _

“They’ve both been to visit him so he hasn’t been alone while you’re not there,” Alec continues. It’s meant to be a comfort but all Magnus can feel is guilt - guilt that he kept this from Alec, that he wasn't there for Isabelle and Simon the past two days, that Alec knows more about Raphael’s current situation than he does, probably, and he only has himself to blame. 

“I’m sorry.” The words are vague, but they’re all Magnus has at the moment. 

Alec shakes his head. “Don’t be sorry. You don’t have to tell me things you aren’t comfortable with, but…” Alec frowns, looking away for a second to gather his thoughts before looking back. “...but I want you to trust me enough to talk to me about anything. I want to be able to be there for you, Magnus. I can’t do that if you lock me out.”

Magnus knows the offer is genuine. He knows the problem isn’t that he doesn’t trust Alec… not as simple as that, at least. However, the idea of trying to explain it to Alec, bringing back up the almost-proposal, and their breakup, and Asmodeus, fills Magnus with nothing but dread. All of those things were Magnus’ fault and if he breaks down again, if Alec reacts impulsively for Magnus’ benefit without any concern for himself, it’d be Magnus’ fault all over again. 

“I don’t want to repeat history,” Magnus says, more to himself than as an answer to Alec. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Alec questions. 

Magnus sighs. “It means…” he starts, debating if he should just lie to smooth things over. “It means the last time I felt as lost as I do now, I nearly ruined everything. I don’t want to push you away, but I don’t want to be too much that you walk away on your own, either. That would be so much worse, and I don’t know if I could stand it again.” 

Alec tenses at that, frowning. “Magnus, I would never-”   
  
“But you  _ did _ .” This isn’t some abstract fear he’s conjured, it happened once already, as much as both of them hate to remember it. “I know you love me, Alexander, and that’s the problem: you have a tendency to jump immediately to reckless extremes to help the people you love.” 

Alec doesn’t reply at first. Magnus watches him swallow thickly, adam’s apple bobbing with the concentrated effort it takes. Magnus has half a mind to close the space between them and trail his mouth down that stretch of neck, to distract them both from this conversation neither of them want to be having, but he knows that’s cheating them both out of something they need to do, no matter how much it hurts right now. Instead he forces himself to keep talking. 

“I want to talk to you about how much this terrifies me, the idea of Raphael getting sick and dying, or growing old and weak and helpless while there’s nothing I can do to help… and the idea of you--” but the words catch in Magnus’ throat and it takes a few attempts to clear it enough to continue, eyes shining with tears he’s too stubborn to shed. “I know we’ve talked about it in the past. I know it’s inevitable. But sometimes none of that matters and the realization hits me all over again. It was bad enough when it was just you, but now it’s the both of you, and-” 

“Hey, hey, it’s alright. Take a breath, I’m right here.” Alec’s hands are holding his own suddenly, squeezing once, twice, three times, a comforting pressure to ground him again. “And I’m sorry; I’m so sorry I ever made you feel like you couldn’t come to me about those things. I’ve learned from our history too, you know. I won’t let you push me away, and I’m not going to walk away to make decisions without you, either. Whatever happens we figure it out together from now on. I promise.”

Magnus wants this to be as easy as hearing the words and believing them. They help, and looking up into Alec’s eyes to see nothing but honest sincerity there is reassuring, but he knows he won’t truly believe them until he sees it in action. 

He prays he never has to. 

“Alright,” Magnus says, with a small nod of his head, accepting the promise. It’ll be enough for now, to know the thought and intent is there. He takes another deep breath, releasing it slowly. “Alright,” he repeats, before starting to talk about Raphael. And though he never mentions Alec specifically, not this time, they both know every fear Magnus has for his now-mortal friend goes double for his husband. 

By the end Magnus can’t keep the slight tremor from his voice and there are fresh streaks of mascara-tinted-tears down his cheeks, but Alec is still there, still holding him, offering what words of comfort he can. When they’re both out of words Magnus allows Alec to make him tea and draw him a bath, and it isn’t until they’re both settling in for bed in the early hours of the morning that Alec speaks again, his voice tired and weary. 

“I know I’ve apologized before, about what I did to get your magic back, but-”    
  
“Alec, you don’t have to-” Magnus tries to cut him off, knowing they’re both exhausted and emotionally spent at this point as it is. 

“Yes, I do. Because I was so eager to put all that behind me that we never really talked about it before tonight, but we should have. I walked away from you when you needed me the most - and went behind your back to the one person I knew you’d never turn to yourself.” 

“You were only trying to help,” Magnus says. Alec knows that Mangus understands why he did it but Magnus wants to say it again now that they’re talking about it, not sure when (or even  _ if _ ) the topic will come up again to set the record straight. “And you  _ did  _ help - you got my magic back.” 

“But I nearly lost you in the process. It doesn’t matter how much I thought I was doing it for the right reasons… I just need you to know how much I regret breaking your trust every single day.” 

“I know, Alexander. It’s okay,” Magnus says, shifting imperceptibly closer under the sheets to wrap his arms around Alec’s middle before pressing a gentle kiss against his shoulder. 

“It isn’t, but it will be,” Alec promises. Though Magnus can’t see his face in the dark with Alec’s back to him he can hear the determination behind the words and hugs Alec closer to him, feeling Alec sink into the touch. 

Much to his relief, Magnus finds himself trusting the truth of those words. 

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell)! <3 )


End file.
